Here Without You
by Reverie-sama
Summary: ONE-SHOT An interpretation of Kenshin's thoughts as he leaves for Kyoto. Just before he left he discovered something he didn't realize he felt.


A/N: You're all saying, 'why are you writing this fic when you could be working on "Ice" or "Save All Your Love"?' I'll tell you why! Because this fic idea just broad-sided me and demanded to be written right now! So who am I to turn away a perfectly good fic idea. * pets her muses * And perhaps this will put them in a good mood to work on the other ficcies. One can always hope. So please read and review. Enjoy! * bows*

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters to Rurouni Kenshin nor the lyrics to "Here Without You" as much as I wish I did. Please don't sue! I am just a poor college student after all. 

"Here Without You"

A song fic inspired by the song by 3 Doors Down

By: Reverie-sama, The Dream Angel

"A hundred days that made me older 

_since the last time that I saw your pretty face_

_A thousands lights have made me colder_

_And I don't think I can't look at this the same._

Kyoto seemed forever away. Somehow he knew that under normal circumstances this trip would not seem so long and might actually be considered pleasant. But at some obscure point in the past year he had lost his taste for wandering. He still enjoyed the scenery and the adventure that travel afforded but it was the thought of what lay ahead at his destination that seemed to dull the greens in the trees or the blue hue of the sky. But even that he could tolerate. It was the thought of what he left behind that resonated most deeply within him and reflected in the empty road around him. He was alone once again and this time the loneliness was almost too keen for him to bear.

Despite the pain he could not help but laugh at himself. Who knew that one simple thing could serve to make everything ten-fold more complicated?

The turning point, ironically, had happened the day he left. That day had brought so much change to his life. One would think after spending ten years wandering Japan he would not be so surprised by unexpected occurrences or the unknown. He could remember the times when he didn't know where his next meal would come from or whether he would sleep under a roof. But that day had possessed a different kind of surprise, one that all his years of wandering could never have prepared him for. Simply said, it changed everything.

His head had throbbed with the arguments to stay and go. He would be rejecting a place to stay, a home. He would turn his back on a family that wanted him. Part of him had rebelled arguing in favor of the comfort he become accustomed to. It was good to know that he would have meals, a futon to sleep on, a place where he belonged.

But when he had seen the bloody mess that had once been Okubo-sama it was easy to drown out the part of him that objected to leaving. That is until he went to say good-bye.

When he had reached his decision to leave, he considered that maybe it would be best if he left without saying anything to anyone. He risked paralysis powder from the kitsune doctor and a sound beating from Sano, Yahiko gnawing on his head, Ayame and Suzume's sad faces, not to mention _her _reaction. 

_She _would be the most disappointed. And it was the thought of leaving her without thanking her or saying good-bye that had made him change his mind almost instantly. He had wanted to offer some consolation for leaving her alone after all she had done for him, but he got more than he bargained for.

As he continued to make his way down the road to Kyoto, he replayed his memory of how subdued she had been the day of his decision. Her spirit had been quieted, careful, as though she feared her normal brash and open personality would drive him away. He couldn't help but smile at her foolish notion. If that had been a factor then he would have left long ago. It had drawn him in.

The last time he spent with her was all too vivid in his mind as though it were happening again. She stood by the river where they had promised to come watch the fireflies. Illuminated by said flickering fireflies, she stood alone, lost in thought when he came upon her. Perhaps she was worried about him and wondering whether she would see him again.

["The fireflies are beautiful, that they are,"] he recalled saying.

She turned, smiling as she softly spoke his name. But her smiling mood soon stole from her face as she realized he did not intend to stay. And he felt a pang of guilt when she could no longer meet his eyes as he told her his reasons for going. 

Just as suddenly her strategy switched from defensive to attacking his weak points. It startled him. He hadn't anticipated such a passionate resistance from her. The way her fists clenched, how her eyes glittered in anticipation of the tears to come, the strong open spirit that had hidden itself all day flared to life through the media of her body and voice. And he found his will to leave slipping away. 

He fought to regain control of the situation. Forcing himself to look into her eyes, he began to tell her what he had come to tell her. But he found himself saying things that caused him to regret his leaving more. 

["When you said that you didn't care about my past, it made me happy. Everyday I spent here I rested my soul, and I began to think that I could become a normal swordsman."] 

Not only was he losing a home and a family, he was losing his chance at becoming a good man in society again. This woman before him was pleading for _him_ to stay and offering him the chance that he so desperately wanted to take. 

He saw the tears that began collecting on the edges of her eyelids. He couldn't stand that he was the cause of them. He couldn't stand the idea that he was refusing this chance, that he was hurting her. And she would never know how much it hurt him to turn away.

On an impulse, he took her into his arms. He thought that it would offer her comfort so that her tears would abate and they could part on better terms, but it only made things more difficult. 

He had never held her before. And it was when she, though surprised and stiff, fit into his embrace that he became aware that it wasn't just the idea of leaving a place where he had become comfortable that upset him so much as the fact that he was leaving someone he _loved _behind. How had * that * snuck up on him? 

Such an important and big emotion should have been easy to spot on the horizon but he hadn't seen it coming. Yet it wasn't a feeling he uncomfortable with either as though it had slowly diffused into his view of her under cover of darkness. He found himself realizing that at some point long before his idea of home had transferred from the dojo where he cooked and washed laundry to the woman wound safely in his arms sobbing painfully quiet against his shoulder. He held her closer if that was possible.

While comfort sought to cover his senses, thoughts began to tear up the veil that would allow his desire to stay to win out. Shishio was still a threat. Shishio would hunt him down and destroy this home he had found, destroy her if only to aggravate him into a fight. And he knew that he had to leave to protect this, to protect her. 

She would not understand. Her tears spreading through his gi told him this was a one time offer that once refused could never be had again. He didn't even know if he would come back alive, but he did know that there were fewer chances of dying than of this rebuked girl offering her love again. But for her, for her future, he would sacrifice accepting her love and all the joy that came with it. He made the decision then that even if he lived he would not return. It would be easier on them both if she thought him dead or indifferent instead of the fool that he knew himself to be.

Perhaps someday when she was older, married, and happier she would think his leaving heroic, but she would never fully understand.

He had memorized the moment, that one moment he had to hold his second love in his arms. He had cherished her warmth as he spoke his last words to her. How he wished now that they could have been words of love but then he would not be walking on this road to Kyoto to face the repercussions of his past.

_["Thank you. I am a wanderer. I must be wandering again. Sayonara"]_

Sighing he let his mind replay the blissful moment again. If nothing else his memories would keep him company on this long winding journey to Kyoto. 

_But all the miles that separate_

_They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_

_I'm here without you, baby_

_But you're still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you baby_

_and I dream about you all the time_

_I'm here without you baby_

_but your still with me in my dreams_

_And tonight it's only you and me_

At last the sun relinquished his reign over the sky and yielded to the silvery moon. He walked a few more miles in the cool of the evening to make up for his lack of sufficient progress that day. Speculation also told him that he would probably not sleep very well just as he hadn't for the past few nights. It would be better to use that time to cut the distance between him and his destination than spend the night tossing and turning with no hope of sleep.

But he could only go so far before his body demanded rest and food. Eventually he turned off the road to find a suitable place to start a small fire to cook his rice and whatever else he could find around. At last he decided on a cool grove where his fire could not be seen from the road and decided to set up camp.

The barely waning gibbous moon was nearing its zenith he noted, that meant he would only get a few hours of sleep at best before dawn would force him to continue his journey. 

Methodically, he went about lighting his fire and boiling his rice with water he found in a nearby stream. When it was ready he served himself a bowl and began picking up the grains with his chopsticks.

"Mou, Kenshin, you're not eating enough. Man cannot leave on rice alone," her deep tones inflected, conveying her annoyed concern from across the fire. 

He paused in bringing the rice to his mouth to smile at her. "Kaoru-koishii, is so considerate of sessha's well-being, that she is."

She blushed prettily and her fingers played with the hem of her sleeve. "I just worry that you don't take care of yourself, that's all."

He took another helping of the rice just to ease her mind. She just watched happily as he ate. When he finished, they doused the fire, and then she helped him to clean the dishes and to put them away in his travel bag.

Afterwards he spread his sleeping roll out on the ground and lay down upon it looking up to the moon. Kaoru came over and kneeled next to him drawing a blanket over him. As she did he noticed her slight shivering due to the humid cool of the evening. 

"Come share the blanket, koishii. Sessha wouldn't want you to be cold, that I wouldn't," he offered, smiling innocently and lovingly. She only nodded her ascent before crawling underneath the blanket with him.

He cradled her against him and both stared up at the moon, simply enjoying being in one another's presence. They did not need words. And soon the comfortable silence led them to sleep.

*                                  *                                      *                                  *                                  *

The sunlight brought with it the harsh reminder of day, harsh also because it brought to a close his dreams of Kaoru. It was so easy to pretend that she was there to chastise him and cuddle with him, but when the day came he was limited once again to the reality that she was in Tokyo while he was here on the road to Kyoto. All the dreams in the world couldn't change that. 

He rolled up his bedroll with his blanket inside. The bedroll soon joined his small pieces of flint, chopsticks, rice bowl, pot, ladle, and store of rice in his small travel bundle. Dejectedly, he picked it up and began to pick his way back to the road. 

At least he had his memories to entertain him as he pressed on or perhaps he should try to prepare himself mentally for this fight with Shishio? Yes. He would try that and maybe that would get Kaoru out of his head for a while, which may in turn make the trip go faster. He would think about anything that would make this trip easier.

He started by thinking about what he had heard about Shishio when he was still a hitokiri during the revolution.

_The miles just keep rolling_

_as the people leave their way to say hello_

_I hear this life is overrated_

_but I hope it gets better as we go_

_I'm here without you baby_

_but you're still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you baby_

_and I dream about you all the time_

_I'm here without you baby _

_but you're still with me in my dreams_

_And tonight girl it's only you and me_

Thinking about Shishio and what he knew of his skills did help the miles to pass quicker and the days, but at night Kaoru still came to him in his dreams. He began to be irritated with himself that his feelings, which were to never come to fruition, were distracting him so much from preparing for the face-off with Shishio. Would he be able to defend what he sought to protect with these still-new feelings for Kaoru?

The answer came to him that evening in the form of a young girl named Makamachi Misao. She had been in trouble with a group of bandits and he had saved her without thinking. Saving her reassured him that he did still have the motivation to protect others. But her passionate temper and way of speaking her mind often times without thinking reminded him of Kaoru. And she began to follow him persistently inquiring after her Aoshi-sama and the other members of the Oni wa banshu. 

While it was pleasant to have _actual_ company, her questions about her friends led to questions about his friends and loved ones and that of course struck deeper chords than he was sure she meant to hit. 

Eventually they came to the village that Shishio had commandeered. This is where he faced his first test against Shishio's logic for overthrowing the Meiji government to rule himself. And despite his cool façade, his mind was ready to throw away his reasoning. He almost crumbled. Shishio preached that the strong survive and kill or rule the weak. And he worried whether he was strong enough to defeat his successor. 

Certainly he could beat his weak underlings like Senkaku, but their leader is who was to be feared. A man who could control powerful men must be himself a powerful man. And he must indeed be powerful to have taken his place as hitokiri of the shadows.

_Everything I know, and anywhere I go_

_it gets hard but it won't take away my love_

_And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done_

_it gets hard but it won't take away my love_

But his fight with Soujiro awakened his mind to what he was really doing. He was being selfish and it almost cost him his life. Luckily his sakabattou had taken the blow for him instead and had done enough damage to Soujiro's sword to make the duel a draw before a second attack. He stared at the broken blade realizing if he didn't get his act together his hurting Kaoru would be for nothing. If he couldn't protect her or her future then he would truly fail her. 

He sheathed his broken sakabattou and swore that he would prepare for this battle. He would win. If he could do that then perhaps that would be the beginning of his atonement for leaving her. His victory would be the way he showed his love.

_I'm here without you baby_

_but you still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you baby_

_and I dream about you all the time_

Kyoto. At last. Misao dragged him persistently to the Aoiya to probe him for further information. The old ninja she called Jiya recognized him almost immediately as Battousai and offered to help him in anyway he could. He asked for help finding his former master and the man who made his sakabattou.

Of course he went through an ordeal to get his sword replaced, but defeating Chou, served to remind him of the others he was fighting for besides Kaoru, like the children of the revolution.

Soon after the incident with Chou, the information about his Shishou's whereabouts came back quickly, almost as if his Shishou was expecting him and wanted to be found easily. But things with his Shishou were never easy. He knew asking him for the final technique in the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu after leaving him for the revolution more than a decade ago was almost a suicide mission, but he had to try. For the future he fought for in the Revolution he would risk being berated by his Shishou. 

He left early the next morning to try and escape before Misao had a chance to stop him. Unfortunately, Misao caught him as he was walking out the door. Apparently, she had found out about his dark past and told him that she didn't care what he had done. He smiled as the image of Kaoru saying similar words to him teased across his mind.

As he told her that she spoke the same words that someone he left behind in Tokyo had told him, he could see the wheels turning in her mind, and he could almost see the realization dawn on her face as she wondered what type of girl he had left behind. But she was soon distracted by the fact that he was leaving. He tried to escape her in the crowded streets as he had tried on the way to Kyoto, but she followed without fail. 

Then suddenly her felt her ki weaken in strength for a second before it soared again as though she were angry. Despite that, it was more distant than it had been a moment ago. And it felt like it was growing more distant. He had a feeling that he somehow had missed something in trying to evade her. But the thought soon left his mind as he worried about his meeting with Hiko. 

Good. It would be easier to deal with his Shishou without her there. But he hoped she was okay. 

_I'm here without you baby_

_but you're still with me in my dreams_

_And tonight girl it's only you and me"_

He prostrated before his Shishou begging him to reconsider him as a student and finish the training he abandoned almost half of his lifetime ago. He prayed that his humility would be enough to convince Hiko, though he doubted it. Without his help, he knew that he couldn't defeat Shishio and that would mean this journey was for nothing. Shishio would win. 

As he thought, Hiko didn't think he was worthy and began to talk down to him. He told him what a failure student he was and wondered at how he could ever think that he could teach the style to such a baka. The string of insults kept coming and they registered painfully on his conscience as Hiko intended them to. Maybe he was serious? Maybe he wasn't worthy after all? Maybe he was just a bakadeshi who made too many mistakes and could do nothing but watch the world he built be crushed. 

He squeezed his eyes shut to increase his resolve. He had to convince his Shishou to teach him, but he didn't know how. 

Just then two familiar voices interrupted Hiko's belittlement of his bakadeshi. His Shishou questioned them angrily, demanding to know who they were that would interrupt him. 

Purely out of curiosity he turned to see who would interrupt Hiko, maybe they could give him adv…. 

_["Misao-dono! Yahiko-dono!"]_

And he gasped in shock. His eyes widened as he took in the mute figure that stood behind Yahiko and Misao. 

_["Kao… Kaoru-dono…"]_

She was here! She had followed him. That put her in danger, but she was here and to see him no less. He didn't know what to think for he was to shocked to see her.

He somehow managed to acknowledge that these strangers were his friends. Then to his surprise Hiko sent him out to fetch some water. He was a bit bewildered but he followed orders, comforted by the former routine chore. As he walked out he walked past Kaoru. He was intoxicated by her mere presence yet he could not put to words what he felt. And Kaoru's silence echoed his, both soothed that the other was alive and within sight again though neither knew how to say it. 

When he returned from fetching the water a dream came true. Hiko agreed to teach him the final technique. He knew immediately it was because of Kaoru's testimony though he didn't understand why she would talk favorably of him unless… Yes! That had to be it. She still cared. He had not lost his chance after all. Now he was even more motivated to win against Shisho. He had somewhere, or someone, to call home when he had won.

Silently he admitted to himself that he had underestimated her twice. As she walked out into the night, he smiled promising never to underestimate her again.

*                                    *                                 *                                    *                                         *

After the Battle with Shishio and Kenshin's Recovery, the Kenshin-gumi return to Tokyo.

We are walking on that same path again where we said goodbye. I don't think he realizes how much it means to be here this time but to have him coming home. It is probably a good thing. I wouldn't want to scare him away with my feelings.

I feel like I should tell him something though. He seems so lost in thought as though he shouldn't be allowed to be here again with us.

_["Kenshin? Are you okay?"]_

You look bewildered and nervous but you tell me exactly what I thought you were thinking. Perhaps I am getting better about predicting the feelings of my beloved. No. I did not just think that. Now I'm sure too be jinxed forever. Mouuu. 

I put that aside because I must reassure you the best way I know how. I will tell you what I couldn't say back then.

_["Kenshin? Do you remember this spot?"]_

You look a little confused. How adorable. Then realization spreads over your features but I tell you anyways.

["This is where you said good-bye to me when you left for Kyoto. But you have come back with us and now I can tell you what I could not say to you then. Okaeri-nasai, Kenshin."]

Your eyes dance as I extend my hand to you. And when you smile at me I feel as though I could be happy forever because of that smile. It is a genuine smile you have given to me. Then you give me your hand and reply warmly, curbing all my fears of you leaving ever again.

_["Tadaima."]_

~ Owari ~

A/N: Wai!!! I am glad to get that one out of my system! Phew! Its been clamoring to get out and as I was writing it the fic took on a life of its own providing me Kenshin's reasoning for his feelings… at least in the fic. ^^;; It was so cool. PLUS! I got to write about some of my favorite scenes in the Kyoto arc! I Looooooooove the firefly scene so no one should be too surprised if that doesn't make its way into some of my other fics. Thanks to any of you who read this. Please don't hurt me for not updating my other fics. I do as my muses demand. But please review and tell me what you think of this ficcie. I know it was basically taking all the events of the journey to Kyoto and much of the Kyoto arc and adding Kenshin's thoughts, but hey it sounded good at the time. Tell me if it worked, ne?


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